


The Hangover

by juliabsquared



Series: You Make Me Feel So Young: Persades Wedding [4]
Category: Lore Olympus (Webcomic)
Genre: Alcohol, Bachelor Party, Big idiot squad, Closing down the bar, Drinking, Drunken Shenanigans, F/M, Newlywed Game, Resolution to the "Bridesmaids" story, Strippers & Strip Clubs, bros being bros, some fluff at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-07
Updated: 2019-11-07
Packaged: 2021-01-24 15:45:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21340708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juliabsquared/pseuds/juliabsquared
Summary: Hades frowned and crossed his arms. "The only time you try to ‘surprise’ me is when it’s to rope me into doing something I otherwise never would have agreed to.”“What? No!” Poseidon chimed in. “This is your bachelor party, man!” He punched his brother playfully on the arm. “This is all for you!”The last thing Hades wants is a wild, insane bachelor party. The rest of the gods have other ideas. This is a sequel to “Bridesmaids.”
Relationships: Hades/Persephone (Lore Olympus)
Series: You Make Me Feel So Young: Persades Wedding [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1476410
Comments: 49
Kudos: 143





	1. The Hangover

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to bee (sickly) for beta reading! I hope you all enjoy this long-awaited… whatever this is. Sorry it took so long to finish* but it was tricky to find the right balance of the “Respect Women Juice”-drinking guys we love (for some of them at least), but also realistically they are a bunch of straight dudes at a bachelor party. I had to make them gross, but not too gross.**
> 
> I’ll admit I was inspired by a lot of different pop culture moments when writing this fic so I hope it didn’t come off as _too_ cliche. Other fun times included finding out-of-the-box ways to work in some components of the original mythology that haven’t appeared so far in LO canon, and mixing in the narrator a la Arrested Development. I like to think Ron Howard would approve.
> 
> *Title of your sex tape
> 
> **Also the title of your sex tape.

“I still don’t understand why I have to wear a blindfold.” Hades tugged impatiently at the silk scarf tied over his eyes. His brothers had insisted he put it on the moment he climbed onto the party bus they had rented for the evening. Now that they were driving it was starting to give him motion sickness. Plus if he couldn’t see, he couldn’t mix his own drinks. _ Off to a great start_, he thought sarcastically.

“C’mon, little bro, we don’t want to spoil the surprise!” Zeus was giddy with excitement, Hades could tell. As far as he was concerned, that was never a good sign.

Hades frowned and crossed his arms. “Okay, first of all, I’m older than you–”

“Hurtful.”

“–And second, the only time you try to ‘surprise’ me is when it’s to rope me into doing something I otherwise never would have agreed to.” 

“What? No!” Poseidon chimed in. “This is your bachelor party, man!” He punched his brother playfully on the arm. “This is all for you!”

A realization dawned on him. “You’re taking me to a strip club, aren’t you?” he grumbled.

Zeus could no longer contain his glee. “We are taking you to a strip club!”

Annoyed, Hades pulled off the blindfold. “Did I not specify to you multiple times that I just wanted a low-key night at the casino? Seriously.” Zeus was incorrigible but that was nothing new. Hades glared at his remaining groomsmen from across the bus. “Eros? Thanatos? You two are awfully quiet. Did you know about this?” 

“Fuck no.” Thanatos grimaced at the suggestion. “Do I look like someone who plans parties?”

“No, you look like someone who begs to be included and then pouts like a little bitch the entire time when they actually get an invite.” Hades rolled his eyes at the God of Death and his almighty attitude. “Eros?”

Eros just shrugged, clearly not wanting to get involved. “I just showed up. These guys are the planners.”

“C’mon, man, what have you got against strippers?” Zeus whined to his brother.

“Nothing! I have nothing against strippers, everything against _ you _ going around smacking strippers’ asses as soon as you start drinking.” Hades scowled. “It’s embarrassing.”

Poseidon piped up, “Don’t forget the waitresses, plus the bartender–”

“_You _ are not helping!” Zeus shot Poseidon an angry glare before turning his attention back to Hades. “But fine, you’ve made your point. I promise I will keep my hands to myself, if you promise to let loose and have some fun!”

“Fine.” Hades looked around the bus at his four groomsmen. Maybe Zeus was right, it wouldn’t kill him to show everyone a good time. “Who wants a drink?” Persephone was probably having tons of fun at _ her _ party right now, he thought. 

(She was not. In fact, Persephone was currently lying on the floor in Zeus and Hera’s living room, wondering how exactly she came to be surrounded by penis decorations and one very naked drawing of Hades.)

“Thought you’d never ask.” Relieved at the distraction, Eros slid over to the bar and began getting out bottles and glasses. He poured five whiskeys and handed them out. “To Hades,” he said, lifting his glass high. “Persephone is one of my closest friends, and I’ve never seen her so happy. Congratulations.” As the other gods drank, Eros added, “Hurt her, and I will slit your throat.” He cackled with mad laughter. 

Hades was amused. “You don’t have to fake laugh, we know you mean it.” Of everyone on this party bus, he knew Eros the least. The God of Love had been chosen for the wedding party mainly because of his friendship with Persephone. Still, Hades couldn’t help but like the guy. 

“Good.” Eros stared pointedly at Hades as he drained his glass, a glimmer of mischief in his eyes.

***

The club, Meliae, was an upscale affair resplendent with velvet ropes and private rooms. After being waved ahead of the line outside, they were greeted by a tall dryad in impossibly high heels. “Welcome,” she purred. “I’m Dahlia. How can I be of service?”

“Yes, hi, _ Dahlia_.” The King of the Gods ran a hand through his long hair and have her a conspiratorial wink. “I believe I spoke with your manager about reserving one of your VIP rooms for this evening?”

“Your Majesty. Of course. Please, follow me.” She led them past the enormous bar, away from the main floor with its opulent tables, and up a white marble staircase to a lavishly decorated balcony room overlooking the main stage. A smaller stage sat at one end of the room, while the other end was arranged with plush leather couches and several crystalline tables. Candles sat on the tables, giving the room a sultry glow. Dahlia snapped her delicate fingers, and a whole host of nymphs appeared, carrying trays laden with cocktails and hors d'oeuvres. 

“Are those mini quiches?” Poseidon grabbed a whole handful off the tray and flopped down onto the nearest couch. “Sweet!”

Thanatos rolled his eyes before sinking into the leather couch opposite him. “Dude, maybe try to act like you’ve been in public before?”

“Whuh?” Poseidon was too busy seeing how many mini quiches he could fit in his mouth at one time to properly respond.

Hades sat, stretched his long legs out in front of him, and accepted the cigar the nearest nymph offered. He had to admit, this place was classier than he expected. Soon the VIP room filled with a haze of cigar smoke and the clinking of glasses. Their voices mingled with the steady thrum of the music over the sound system.

Unbeknownst to the God of the Dead, Zeus pulled their hostess aside for a little one-on-one chat. “Dahlia. We were hoping for some, ah, _ private _ entertainment.” He placed a hand on the dryad's shoulder, running his thumb over her collarbone, moving to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. “My brother’s getting married, and we just want to show him a good time tonight. You know how it is.”

(Dahlia knew how it was. In the short time she’d been working at Meliae, she’d witnessed revelry that would make Dionysius blush – including, but not limited to, whipped cream, spanking, fivesomes, glory holes, and once even a live pony (don’t ask). She had cleaned cocaine residue off the tables in this room more times than she cared to count, and had even had to put out small fires, twice.)

“What did you have in mind?” she asked him in that same sultry tone.

Zeus lowered his voice. “Let’s just say he has a type. Flower nymph. Pink. Tits and ass for days.”

A hint of a smile played on Dahlia’s lips. “I believe that can be arranged.”

“Perfect.” He turned his attention back to the party. Currently the other four gods were engaged in a heated debate.

“I’m telling you, it’s _ The Allfather_.” Hades stabbed his lit cigar in Poseidon’s direction, gesturing wildly with his other hand so the whiskey sloshed around in his glass. 

“No way!” Poseidon easily matched his brother in volume, if not sheer dramatics. “_Xiphos Runner _ is easily the greatest movie of all time.”

“‘Leave the gun, take the baklava,’ how is that not the best line in cinema?” Eros had sided with Hades and was equally animated as he waved his empty martini glass around. “It’s classic!” 

Thanatos chimed in, “I liked _ Con Air_.”

“_WHAT _?!” They all snapped around to stare at him, incredulous. “No!”

“That movie sucked!” yelled Poseidon. He flared his fins out in all directions when he got excited, like a betta fish.

Not one to be ganged up on, Thanatos shot back, “Not as hard as your wife!”

“Ooohhhh!” Zeus threw his hands in the air, visibly intoxicated and thriving on this new drama. Disputes between the gods that inevitably turned into dick-measuring contests were his bread and butter.

“No way, at least Amphitrite has standards.” Eros was egging him on, tempting a battle of wits between love and death. “Unlike the last girl you dated.”

“Oh yeah? What about that mortal woman you’re keeping?” Thanatos quipped. His pale eyes glittered with malice. “Bet she likes it _ real _ dirty.”

Eros didn’t react, but the tips of his ears burned red. “I don’t have to bet, I know it for a fact.” He continued, a venomous edge in his voice, “Satisfying a woman is a lot of fun, you should _ really _ try it sometime.”

Hades leaned across the couch to offer Eros a fist bump, which the Love God gladly accepted. “Gotta say, this is a great shade on you,” Hades told him. 

Whatever devastating burn Thanatos was about to deliver was cut short. “Gentlemen.” Dahlia appeared again, flanked by several flower nymphs. “I trust you’re enjoying your evening?” They nodded, mesmerized by the ladies in front of them. Even Thanatos took a break from his customary silent brooding. “Enjoy the in-flight entertainment.” Dahlia tossed a wink at them before leaving.

Two of the purple nymphs, introducing themselves as “Violet and Lavender,” made their way to the stage. They were twins, or pretending to be. As they twirled around in synchronicity, the pink nymph approached their group with a coy smile. 

“Well hello.” Hades surveyed the woman standing before him. She obviously had been hand-selected due to her resemblance to Persephone, pink and pretty with voluptuous curves. Somehow that only made him miss his fiancée more. He wondered what she was doing right now. 

(Actually, she was currently telling her bridesmaids about the time they’d had sex in the bathroom during one of Hera’s dinner parties. It was one of her raunchier contributions to their game of “Never Have I Ever.”)

“I’m Wisteria.” The flower nymph blinked her doe eyes, feigning innocence. Maybe she wasn’t here specifically for him, he told himself. 

“Great. I’d like another scotch on the…” He trailed off as she slid gracefully into his lap. So much for avoiding this. “...rocks. You’re not here to take my drink order, are you?”

She giggled and pressed a finger to his lips. “No.”

The rest of Wisteria’s associates were busy entertaining everyone else. “Listen, Wisteria.” Hades tried to ignore the fact that she was fully grinding on him. “You seems like a nice girl. But I think you might have better luck with my brother over there.” He nodded his head towards Poseidon, who was busy with a pale blue ocean nymph. 

“Oh really?” She cocked an eyebrow playfully, not taking her hands off him.

“Here.” He reached into his wallet and pulled out a fifty, which he folded neatly and tucked under the strap of her bra. “Great job but I feel your talents would be better suited elsewhere.”

She stood up and winked at him. “You know where to find me if you change your mind.”

Zeus nudged him on the arm. “See, isn’t this fun? Amazing what happens when you let your hair down for once.” A cocktail waitress floated between their tables, passing out shots. Zeus reached up to pinch her, but Eros smacked his hand away. Poseidon was loving the attention of two women at once, and was currently programming Wisteria’s number into his phone. Thanatos was already fully making out with the dancer in his lap, a willowy girl named “Camellia.” Hades just shook his head. Maybe the whole silent brooding thing had actually worked for him. 

“Yeah, and _ you _ promised you would behave.” Hades rolled his eyes and downed the last of his drink. The waitress offered him another, which he gladly took.

Zeus was offended at this. “I am! I’m keeping my hands to myself–” (He wasn’t.) “And I am not that drunk.” (He was.)

“Gentlemen, this is Jasmine.” Having finished her current endeavor, Wisteria introduced their next dancer. A pale silver nereid slithered onto the stage and around the pole, not making eye contact with them. Her scales glittered, and teal blue fins delicately framed her face. 

“Oh, fuck me.” Zeus suddenly went pale. He turned away from the ocean nymph onstage and started getting up to leave. “You know what, you’re right,” he told Hades. “Strip clubs are disgusting places and we should leave immediately.”

Hades stayed put, sipping on his scotch. “I never said strip clubs were disgusting, I said _you _were disgusting.”

Eros was the first to make the connection. “Hey Zeus, isn’t that your old assistant?”

“Yeah...” He was the most uncomfortable Hades had ever seen him. It was _ great _.

“And weren’t you banging her the whole time she worked for you?” Eros continued. 

“Yeah…” Zeus rubbed the back of his neck, disheveling the sleek violet mane he’d no doubt spent hours in the mirror perfecting.

Poseidon chimed in. “And didn’t you fire her right after Hera found out about your affair and you guys broke up?” 

(He had. In retaliation, Thetis had not only slashed his tires, but also circulated screenshots of their text messages on every social media platform available. Fatesbook received so many user complaints about inappropriate content that day, they were forced to make a public apology.)

“Yes, thank you for bringing all of that up,” Zeus said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Are we going?” He moved again to get the fuck out of there. 

“No,” said Hades, without taking his eyes off of “Jasmine.” An evil smile crept across his face. “I think I want to stay. You’re the one telling me I need to let loose, _ little bro_.” He blew smoke rings into the air, relishing his brother’s discomfort.

Eager for a distraction, Zeus once more reached out to pinch the round ass of the nearest cocktail waitress. This time, Eros wasn’t quick enough to swat him away. The poor girl yelped in surprise and jumped, sending her tray full of champagne flutes crashing down over the King of the Gods. Zeus, now drenched in champagne and covered in broken glass, appeared shocked that for once in his life, his actions had consequences. “Wha–” 

“Honestly, man, you brought that on yourself.” Poseidon just shook his head. Eros inched away from Zeus, trying to avoid the jagged glass and sticky beverage all over the place. Thanatos hadn’t even looked up; he was still tongue-deep in Camellia’s mouth.

“Here.” Hades handed the waitress some napkins to clean herself off, and made a mental note to leave her a generous tip. She scurried away as fast as she could.

The noise, however, attracted the attention of Thetis. One moment Zeus was panicking and looking around the room for a place to hide, the next he had disappeared completely. In his place sat a large white swan. 

On the stage, Thetis studied their group suspiciously. When the song ended, she climbed down, still topless, and made her way to the back of the room where they sat. “Evening, boys.” She shook out her long silver hair so it scarcely covered her bare breasts. None of the gods knew where to look, as eye contact with this woman was clearly out of the question. 

“Heyyy, Thetis.” Hades reclined back in his seat, hands behind his head, trying to appear casual. “How’s it going?” 

“Is Zeus here?” She squinted at each of them in turn, as if daring them to lie and provoke her wrath. None of them had forgotten the tire-slashing incident.

“N-no, why would you say that?” Poseidon stammered out.

She shrugged, in a _ “I don’t know, you tell me” _ gesture. “I could have sworn I heard him.”

“Um. Nope. You probably heard me. Talking to him… on the phone.” Poseidon pulled his phone out of his pocket and held it to his ear. “Sorry bro, can’t talk right now, _ byeee_.”

Thetis frowned, hands on her hips. “Why is there a swan here?”

“It’s… my emotional support animal.” Eros picked up the swan and dropped it into his lap. It wiggled its tail for a moment before finding a more comfortable perch on his knee.

“But how does that-”

“Legally you’re not allowed to ask me,” he replied, way too loudly.

She didn’t seem fully convinced, but there wasn’t much more she could say. “Fine. Just let me admire this little cutie.” Thetis reached down to pet the swan. It snapped at her and hissed, ruffling its feathers indignantly. She pulled her hand away. “Augh! Tell it to stop that!”

Eros shook his head. “No can do, baby girl. This guy’s got a mind of his own.”

“Whatever. Just–” Anything Thetis was about to say was interrupted by a shriek from one of the dancers. The swan did indeed have a mind of its own, and although highly intoxicated, had attempted to fly over to one of the nymphs. The flurry of wings against her face caused her to lose her balance, toppling into one of the cocktail waitresses, who was holding a tray of shot glasses filled with some clear liquor. Glasses and alcohol crashed all over the floor and the tables, knocking over a candle perched between two trays of food. The liquor ignited immediately, and in an instant a small fire was burning away in the middle of the VIP room. A fire alarm started blaring.

“What the fuck was that?” Hades hissed at the swan. He grabbed it by its long neck and flung it towards the exit, where Eros caught it and took off running like he was the star wide receiver in a football game. Hades followed, grabbing Poseidon by his shirt collar. However, the Sea God wriggled free and ran back into the burning VIP room to stuff his pockets with as many mini quiches as he could.

Charging down the staircase, Eros almost knocked over Dahlia, who had been coming to see what the commotion was. “Thank you, bye!” he yelled over his shoulder at her.

Hades gave her a small wave but didn’t stop running. “You’ve been a lovely host!”

They dashed through the exit and skidded to a halt on the sidewalk. The line to get into the club was shorter than it had been earlier, but there were still plenty of patrons staring at them in confusion. Eros looked over his shoulder and counted the gods behind him. “Guys… we forgot Thanatos.”

(Thanatos had not heard the fire alarm, as his head had been nestled squarely between the large breasts of a dancer named “Azalea.” By the time he looked up, the fire had been extinguished and the rest of his party was gone. Not one to waste an opportunity, he stuffed another bill into Azalea’s thong and resumed his earlier activities.)

“Eh.” Hades waved dismissively. “Just leave him.” He’d had enough of Thanatos sulking for one night.

As soon as they were back on the bus, the swan disappeared and was replaced by a very disheveled Zeus, who was picking tiny feathers out of his hair. 

“Ugh.” Hades grabbed a handful of white fluff and hurled it in his brother’s direction. “Get your goddamn feathers away from me.”

“Was strangling me really necessary?” Zeus rubbed his neck, grimacing. 

Hades gestured to the club, which he hoped was no longer on fire. “Was _ any _ of that necessary?”

“Please,” the King of the Gods rolled his eyes,“like anybody could throw a better party than this.”

An idea began to take shape in Hades' mind. He took another cigar from his pocket and lit it. “You raise an interesting point. While I know you’ve enjoyed yourself, I’m betting these guys can do you one better.” He smirked at their confused looks. “I think it’s time for a wager. Each of you can throw me a bachelor party, and I’ll pick the best one.”

“What does the winner get?” Zeus leaned forward, interested in the new proposal.

Hades shrugged. “Money?”

“We don’t want your money!” Poseidon yelled, before popping more mini quiches into his mouth.

Eros smacked him on the back of the head. “Dude. Speak for yourself.”

“How about… the winner will be in my debt.” Hades took a long drag on his cigar. “I’ll owe one of you a favor.”

“Sounds good to me.”

“Excellent. Posiedon, you’re up.”

Poseidon swallowed a giant mouthful of quiche. “Tight.”

***

“Where the fuck are we, man?” Zeus peered around in the darkness, waiting for his eyes to adjust.

“Yeah, what is this?” Their bus had taken them to what appeared to be an empty mountain in the middle of nowhere. Stepping out into the cool night air, Hades could make out the distant sound of waves on a shoreline. Wherever they were, the ocean was not far off.

“This…” Poseidon spread his arms with a dramatic sweep, “is the adventure of a lifetime. Gentlemen, tonight we are casting aside our worldly possessions and embracing our darkest inner natures. Tonight, we become one with the sea! Now strip.”

“Huh?” Hades knew this could be anything from cavorting with mermaids, to getting even more drunk and slashing at each other with axes. Poseidon had always been the wild card in their family. 

“Are you hazing us?” Eros sounded concerned. “Are we about to get hazed?”

“No, come on. Just…” Poseidon huffed impatiently. “Okay?”

“Ugh. Whatever.” With one hand Hades unbuckled his belt and with the other, started unbuttoning his white dress shirt. He slid the crisp fabric over his broad shoulders and wondered what exactly he was getting himself into. Should it end up being some sort of drunk, half-naked wrestling match, he sized up his competition. Eros and Zeus seemed to be thinking along the same lines and all three regarded each other warily as they undressed. 

Hades’ lean muscular frame towered over the other two. Clearly his years of swimming gave him an edge – he was trim and toned, whereas Zeus’ chiseled six-pack was clearly just meant to stroke his own vanity. A lifetime of bicycle crunches couldn’t build the stamina Hades had.

Eros pulled his long-sleeve t-shirt over his head, revealing a surprisingly large set of biceps. He might actually pose a challenge, Hades thought. On the other hand, Eros didn’t strike him as the fighting type, if those white boxers covered in red hearts were any indication.

“Where the fuck am I supposed to put this?” Zeus brandished his gleaming white sport coat.

“On the ground, like everybody else’s?” Hades gestured to the pile next to him, containing his shirt, slacks, shoes, socks, and belt. 

“But it’ll get dirty!” Zeus whined. “It’s Armani!”

“Dude.” Eros and Hades both shot him a weathered look until he grudgingly set the coat down on the ground and the three gods stood there, shivering in their boxers.

They looked expectantly at Poseidon, wanting to know what exactly they were doing. His attention, however, was on his phone.

“Hey, Fishsticks,” Hades snapped at him. “This is your party, you wanna maybe put the phone down?”

“Yeah, quit texting the stripper!” Eros added. 

“I’m not!” The Sea God still didn’t take his eyes off the screen. “I’m texting Trite to see if she wants to have a threesome with the stripper _ later _. It’s like you don’t even know me!” Finally he put away his phone. With a snap of his fingers his clothes were gone and he was wearing a pair of bright orange swimming trunks. “Now, everybody pick a number between one and one hundred.”

“Sixty-nine!” Zeus yelled out instantly, with none of the shame one would expect from a fully-grown adult deity making jokes typically reserved for fifteen-year-old boys. 

“I knew you were going to say that, so that is the exact number I picked. Which means you get to go first. Follow me.” They walked through the grass, around the rocky outcroppings and to the edge of a very steep cliff. The ground simply dropped off, and roughly eighty feet below was the ocean, booming and crashing as the moonlight danced along its surface. “We… are going cliff diving.”

“I’m sorry, _ what_?” The purple god’s eyes went wide.

Poseidon repeated, “Cliff diving! C’mon, man, it’s nature’s best adventure sport! You’re up.”

Zeus stepped forward and toed the edge of the cliff nervously. “Cool. I’ll just jump... off this cliff. Very cool.”

The others rolled their eyes at his hesitation. “We’re immortal,” Hades reminded him.

Zeus crossed his arms in defiance. “Doesn’t mean I want to jump a hundred feet into the filthy, freezing ocean.” 

“Do a flip!” Eros yelled. 

Zeus turned around to face the group. “Okay, fine. But just in case we–”

Tired of his younger brother’s drama, Poseidon shoved him over the edge, shouting, “YEET!” at the top of his lungs. Zeus yelled indignantly all the way down, causing Hades to double over with laughter.

“Me next!” Poseidon, ever the showman, backflipped off the ledge. He hung in the air for a moment and flashed them a Shaka sign before plunging into the ocean below.

Eros was next. He took a running start and leapt off the edge of the cliff. As soon as he was airborne, a pair of bright pink wings unfurled from his shoulders, spreading to either side of him, and he sailed gracefully downward.

Hades stepped up to the precipice and eyed the ocean below. It was hard to tell where the sea stopped and the sky began; everything merged together in an inky blackness, dotted with stars and whitecaps. _ One thing’s for sure, _ he thought, _ tonight hasn’t been boring_. 

He took a deep breath and dove out into the abyss. He could have used his powers of flight, but instead he let go, hurtling towards the water. Wind whipped his hair and whistled in his ears and he thought, _ Poseidon was right_. Very few things made him feel as _ alive _ as this. He hit the surface with a deafening crash, his lithe body slicing through the icy cold water like a knife, then emerged to wild whoops and cheers from the others.

“That was awesome!” Poseidon gave him an overly-excited high five, slapping repeatedly at him with both hands. Even Zeus had gotten over the indignity of being shoved off a cliff by his brother, and clapped Hades on the shoulder.

Twice more, they ascended to the top of the mountain (transportation powers were a hell of a thing, although _ way _ more difficult to navigate when under the influence) and dove down into the ocean, eighty feet below. Each god tried to outdo the others with his powers, proving who could land the most impressive jump. Zeus won out by diving through a full-on lightning storm, with Hades not far behind on a comet of blue flames.

After the third dive, something in the water caught Eros' attention. “Guys, what the fuck is that?” He pointed to a dark shape several feel away. A large curved fin protruded from the water.

Zeus backed away slowly. “Holy shit! That is a shark.” As he spoke, another curved fin joined the first, circling them.

“Thank you,” Hades said dryly, “for that _ astute _ observation. Poseidon, call them off.” He rolled his eyes at the inconvenient interruption. Gods were immortal, but still. He couldn’t imagine being bitten by a shark would be a pleasant experience. 

“I can’t!” Poseidon joined his younger brother and glanced around wildly in the darkness.

“What do you mean, you can’t?” Hades yelled at him. “You’re King of the Sea. Managing ocean shit is literally your _one_ _job_!”

He shrugged. “They don’t listen to me!”

“Let’s just go,” said Eros, and tried to rise out of the water. Even with his powers of flight it was difficult. His wings were soaking wet and he was way too drunk.

“Come on, here.” Hades, being probably the least drunk out of everyone (not that this was saying much), grabbed Eros by the arm with one hand and Zeus with the other, and tried to lift them up. But with two of them and one of him, it was difficult. “Do you want to maybe give me a hand?” he asked Poseidon, irritated.

“Sure, bro, I just– _ AAAHHHH_–” Whatever Poseidon was going to say was cut short as one of the sharks suddenly stopped circling and dove towards him. He gave a high-pitched scream before the other shark attacked and pulled him under the surface. Hades, Zeus, and Eros shared a terrified look, trying to process what they’d just witnessed.

“_Psych _!” yelled a voice behind them. Poseidon popped up out of the water and howled with laughter. “Man, I got you so good.” When he finally simmered down he added, “So, who’s up for round four?”

They all stared at him in utter disbelief for a moment, then shook their heads and began swimming towards the shore. “Nope, you ruined it,” Hades told him.

A while later they were back on the party bus, still dripping wet, their clothes piled in a tangled heap on the floor. “Good thing _ I _ prepared for every situation.” From a cabinet underneath the bar, Zeus took out several large, fluffy towels. They dried off, dressed, and poured another round of drinks. 

“Your party better not involve threats of bodily injury.” Hades glared daggers at Eros, his eyes narrowing and tinged with his telltale red, indicating he was pissed off. 

Eros gave him a knowing nod. “I got you covered.”

***

Once they were back in Olympus, Eros instructed their driver to take them to Aphrodite’s. He led the other three up the walkway. 

“Why aren’t we doing this at your place?” Hades asked him.

“Because,” Eros explained, “Psyche has her exams coming up and I’ve been told if I interrupt her studying, it better be because somebody’s dead or being held hostage. Plus, Ma’s house is way bigger and she has better alcohol.” Quietly he unlocked the door to the darkened house and ushered them inside. 

Several things happened at once. A gravelly voice intoned from inside the living room, “Hey, sexy,” just as Eros flipped the switch on the wall, flooding the room with light.

“What the fuck?!” Several shocked voices joined together in a blur of confusion.

“Dad?!” Eros froze, mortified. Ares, the God of War, was sprawled out on the living room couch. He was completely naked. 

Hades turned away from the spectacle. “Well, that’s something I’m never going to unsee.”

“The fuck are you all doing here?” yelled Ares, covering himself with one of Aphrodite’s sequin throw pillows.

“We’re having his bachelor party, what are _ you _ doing here?!” Zeus yelled back, pointing to Hades but not taking his angry glare off his disappointment of a son.

“I, uh… I thought Ditee was gonna be here,” Ares said sheepishly.

(Ares, having wrapped up his most recent battlefield campaign a week early, had come back to Olympus hoping to surprise Aphrodite, his part-time lover and baby mama. She, however, was currently riding the one a.m. drunk train to the Underworld, and cursing out a nymph who had spilled a raspberry White Talon on her shoes.)

“Also, didn’t know you were getting married,” he said cheerfully to Hades. “Congrats, man.”

Eros cut him off. “Dad? Can you maybe stop chit chatting and go put some clothes on?”

“Yep.” Ares rose, still holding the pillow, and slowly sidestepped out of the living room and down the hall. No one spoke for several minutes.

Once everyone was fully clothed and had drinks in hand, they gathered again in the living room. Ares moved to sit down in the corner of the L-shaped couch, but Hades stopped him. “Uh uh, no. You’re sitting over there.” He pointed to the section opposite them, where Ares had been laying when they arrived.

Eros stood up to explain the night’s next activity. “Persephone and I put this together last weekend. She knew you were probably gonna hate whatever party Zeus had planned for you,” he told Hades. “We’re playing the Newlywed Game.” With a snap of his fingers, upbeat music started playing, glitter confetti exploded everywhere, and Eros was suddenly dressed like he was hosting a TV game show – shiny gold sport coat, purple pants, and a matching tie.

“Come on, man, is that the best you can do?” Poseidon whined over the campy music.

“Yeah, we should just be drinking,” Zeus chimed in. “Ares needs to catch up.”

Eros grinned at them. “Oh, but we are. It’s a drinking game. The rules are simple.” He pulled a stack of index cards from his back pocket. “These are a series of questions selected by me and answered by Persephone. We will test our King of the Underworld to see how much he knows about his future Queen. Hades gets a question wrong, he drinks. He gets a question right, everyone else drinks.”

Hades smirked. “You’re all about to get real hammered.”

“Question one,” Eros began. “What is her favorite movie?”

“It’s a tie,” Hades answered, “between _ Ichor and Honey _ and _ Sleepless in Sicily_.”

“You are… correct!” Eros proclaimed in his best announcer voice. The other four gods drank.

Eros passed the deck to Ares. “How does she take her coffee?”

“Trick question, she doesn’t drink coffee.”

“Right again.” Ares nodded, impressed.

Poseidon was next. “Is she a morning or a night person?”

“Morning.”

Zeus' turn. “How many pairs of shoes does she own?”

This one stumped him. He hazarded a guess. “...Seven?”

“Are you asking me or telling me?”

“Seven,” Hades said firmly. “It’s seven.” Persephone always wore nice shoes, he noticed, but their closet wasn’t overflowing with them. _ What is a normal amount of shoes for a woman to have? _ he wondered. 

“Ooh, sorry, the answer is actually _ twelve_.” Hades clinked glasses with everyone and he drank, while Zeus passed the cards back to Eros.

“Which dog is her favorite?” asked the God of Love.

“She always says it’s Cordon Bleu because she thinks if she just gives him enough love, he’ll stop being such a terrifying little bastard.” Hades has his doubts that this would ever work, but he didn’t try to stop her. “But really it’s Cerberus.”

“And the answer is…” Eros squinted at the card. “‘He’s going to say Cerberus, but actually it’s Cordon Bleu.’” They all drank again.

Ares asked, “Craziest place you’ve had sex?”

Hades looked Zeus square in the eye. “Backseat of your Bentley.”

“_What _?!” The purple god jumped to his feet. “That’s wrong. There’s no way.” He looked at Ares. 

The God of War shook his head. “He’s right.”

Hades just rolled his eyes. “You really should remember to lock your car. Drink!” The other gods drank while Zeus muttered about how he would have to get the interior dry-cleaned now.

Poseidon held the cards. “What is her favorite flower?”

“I…” Shit. Another one he didn’t know.

“Flowers are like her whole thing!” Poseidon said. “How do you not know which one is her favorite?”

“She tells me all the names of them but I forget!” Hades shrugged. “It’s not like I’m the one getting them for her. She likes to grow them herself.”

Poseidon read off the card, “Persephone says… ‘Blue forget-me-nots. He knows why.’”

“Why?” asked Ares.

“Because they grow in her hair whenever she sees him,” Eros chimed in. At Hades' indignant look, he added, “What? Not like it’s some big secret, I noticed it like the first time I saw you two together. Blows my mind how long it took you to catch on.”

Ares grinned. “Damn, that is the cutest shit I have ever heard in my life.”

It was Zeus' turn again. “What is her favorite sexual position?”

Hades nearly choked on his scotch. “I’m not telling you!” he sputtered.

“Drink up! Not answering is the same as getting it wrong.” Eros turned to Zeus. “What does the card say?”

He squinted at the index card in his hand. “It says… ‘LOL he’s not going to answer that.’”

“Told you,” Hades replied smugly. “Drink.”

Several rounds later, Hades' buzz was fading significantly, while everyone else was even more inebriated than before. They had just exhausted all of the questions when Hades felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. It was an alert for Narkchat, from Amphitrite. Eros and Poseidon had gotten one as well.

“Dude, I didn’t know you were on Narkchat,” Poseidon said to Hades. “You should add me.”

“Yeah,” added Zeus. “I thought you said it was, quote unquote, ‘a colossal waste of time’ if the pictures are just gonna disappear.”

He shrugged. “Persephone got me hooked.” Truthfully, she was the only one he ever really messaged on the app. Nothing brightened a dreary workday like her silly selfies. His personal favorites were the ones where she used the puppy dog filter.

“Look at you,” Poseidon congratulated him. “Old man finally gets the hang of social media.”

“Whatever.” He refocused his attention on the app. It was a video, although what he was looking at he wasn’t entirely sure.

Persephone was ripping shots while her bridesmaids gathered around her and counted each one. But they weren’t at Hera’s house, it looked like they were… in the courtyard behind his office building? “What are they doing in the Underworld?”

Eros shrugged. “Should we go meet up with them?”

Hades shook his head. Persephone was in good hands and he didn’t want to interrupt her night of fun. “Not just yet. I think we still have one more party to get to.” He looked over at Ares.

“Me? Well shit.” The God of War scratched his head. “I didn’t have anything planned, obviously. But I’ve got a few ideas.”

  
***

_ Knock knock knock. Knock, knock_. Ares rapped three times on the heavy door, paused, then two more times, louder. Evidently this was some sort of code, because immediately a slot in the door slid open to reveal a pair of red eyes. “Password?”

“Asphodel,” he answered. The slot was immediately slammed shut and the door opened. They followed Ares inside, into a bare, dark room with another huge metal door opposite them.

“Who’s this?” The red satyr behind the door looked the rest of the group up and down.

Ares reached into the inside pocket of his motorcycle jacket and pulled out a small card, which he showed to the satyr. “My guests,” he said simply. 

“I’m sorry sir, but our policy only allows members to bring one guest per–” Ares cracked his knuckles loudly, and apparently this was all it took to remind the little imp what exactly he was the god of. “You know what, I think we can make an exception for these… esteemed gentlemen.” He nodded at the three kings and Eros.

They followed Ares through the second door and found themselves in an industrial elevator. “You gonna tell us where we’re going?” Hades asked him. _ This better not be some sort of fight club_, he thought. 

“Patience, my man.” Ares pressed a button and there elevator descended, clanking loudly. 

“Why is this taking so long?” Zeus tapped his foot, impatient, as the lift moved slower than honey.

“Why is this taking so long, title of your sex tape!” Poseidon laughed out loud at his own joke.

A minute later the elevator stopped and the doors slid open. Hades could only stare.

They were in a lounge, one of the nicest he had ever seen. The bar stretched along one whole side of the room, while the other three walls were covered in floor-length mirrors, reflecting the lights and turning the room into a shimmering kaleidoscope. Patrons sat on red velvet couches, sipping elegant cocktails while plumes of cigar smoke curled up through the air, around the chandeliers, dimming the already soft light. In one corner stood a jazz band, thrumming away at a steady pace. “What is this place?”

“Gentlemen, this is Ariadne’s. The coolest most exclusive speakeasy in the three realms.” He led them to a cluster of couches in the corner by the band, and flagged down a waiter. “We’d like to start with a bottle of your oldest scotch,” he told the imp. “And we’d also like to see your cigar selection.” 

“I gotta say, when you took us to some random building in the warehouse district I definitely thought we were about to shoot a porno,” Eros mused.

“My money was on underground fight club.” Hades peered into the wooden box the imp offered him. It contained the biggest selection of cigars he’d ever seen (outside his own house, anyway). He selected one and lit it, then leaned back in his seat and took a long drag. It was easily a hundred times better than the ones from the strip club.

They drank, they smoked, and for the first time all night, Hades found himself truly able to relax. However, his relaxation was short-lived. They were about to reignite the “_Allfather _ vs. _ Xiphos Runner _” debate when Hades’ phone buzzed again. Hera was calling him.

“Hera? What’s–” Immediately he had to hold the phone away from his face, as the only sound coming out of the speaker was the hysterical shrieking of his sister-in-law. “What is going on?” he asked once she had simmered down a little. Hades couldn’t fully understand what Hera was yelling through the phone but thought he caught the words “kidnapped” and “Persephone” before the call abruptly dropped.

Eros had also gotten a call at that moment, and both he and Ares leaned in to listen. “Ma?” Eros frowned. “Ma, what's wrong? Where are you?” Aphrodite apparently had a lot to say because her son was quiet for a moment. Then, “Okay, just stay right there and we’ll come and get you... Who? Me and Dad...Yes, Dad’s with us... Long story… Okay fine, I’ll let you know.” Poseidon was texting furiously with someone, probably his wife. Only Zeus remained suspiciously calm.

A realization dawned. “_Why _?” Hades scowled at his youngest brother. “I specifically told you not to do this.” 

Zeus threw his hands in the air, exasperated. “It’s tradition!”

“Well, it’s a dumbass tradition.” They both stood up, facing off.

“Am I missing something?” Eros asked. 

“One of the old gods’ wedding traditions is to arrange for the bride to be kidnapped and hidden away somewhere,” Poseidon explained. “Then the groom has to go find her in order to prove his love.”

Hades was currently proving his love by twisting Zeus' arm around his back until a painful-sounding _ crack _ was heard. “Where is she?” he asked in a tired voice. 

The purple god squirmed, begging to be released from his brother’s grasp. “Fine, fine, I’ll tell you!” 

** _Earlier..._ **

“Could you have screamed any louder? I think I might be going deaf now.” The strange hooded man dropped Persephone unceremoniously onto the sidewalk before his feet touched the ground.

_ Of all the things to carp about. _ “Okay, well, you’re the one who kidnapped me, so I’m not really sure what you expected.” Persephone staggered to her feet, dizzy and nauseous. Pounding shots followed by flying through the air with some stranger was wreaking havoc on her stomach. Her hair had grown several feet as a result of the ordeal. She bent over and took a few deep breaths, but that didn’t help and she promptly hurled all over the sidewalk.

He jumped away in disgust. “Ugh. Don’t get that on my shoes. These are new.”

“_You_,” she said hotly, “are very rude, and you smell like old cigarettes.”

“Sorry I don’t shoot flowers out of my ass.” He stepped around her and towards the line of buildings on their side of the street. She still hadn’t gotten a proper look at his face, as he was mostly obscured by the hood of his jacket and an Olympus University baseball cap.

“Where are we?” Persephone looked around. She thought they were back in Olympus but didn’t recognize the neighborhood. The man didn’t answer; he was already through the door of what appeared to be a bar. She squinted at the sign above the entrance. _ The Thirsty Siren, _ it read. Not sure what her other options were, she followed him inside.

It was a typical dive bar, like the ones she had frequented in college. Uneven wood floors, sticky tabletops, dim overhead lighting. There were a few patrons sitting at a table in the back, a golden-skinned woman behind the bar, and the hooded man.

“One, _ who _ the hell are you?” Persephone caught him by the arm. “Two, _ what _ do you want?!” She spotted a basket of fried appetizers on the table next to her and suddenly nothing else in the world mattered. “Three, _ are those jalapeño poppers up for grabs_?!” She didn’t mean to yell the last part but found she couldn’t help it.

“I can answer all of those if you _ calm the F-train down_,” he said. He pulled back the hood of his jacket to reveal a face much younger than Persephone had expected. He appeared to be mid-to-late twenties, with a wild mane of jet-black hair and a complexion the color of red wine. His eyes shone the palest gold. A god.

“Dionysius, at your service.” He tipped the brim of his ball cap in salute. “Sorry we had to grab you like that.”

_ We? There were more of them? _ “Why though? What do you want with me?”

The bartender spoke up. “We don’t want anything. We were just paid to kidnap you and stash you here until my dad arrives.”

“Who’s your dad?” The woman did look a little familiar but Persephone couldn’t place her. 

“Zeus.” She wiped her wet hand on a bar towel and stuck it out for Persephone to shake. “I don’t believe we’ve met. Eris, Goddess of Discord and Chaos.” Persephone shook Eris' outstretched hand, still confused.

“Sit, make yourself comfortable.” Dionysius pulled a barstool out for her. “And yes, help yourself to the snacks. And preferably like twelve cups of water. Holy _ shit_, you are drunk.”

Persephone sat but didn’t eat anything yet. “Hold on,” she said, “I still have more questions. Like why did the King of the Gods pay to have me kidnapped?”

His pale eyes twinkled with mischief. “You’ll find out soon enough.”

An infuriatingly useless answer. “Why did he send you?”

“Normally he would have tapped Hermes for this type of job, but you would have recognized him. This way made it more real.” Eris placed a glass of water down in front of Persephone, which she drank gratefully before finally digging into the jalapeño poppers.

The bar had a jukebox, and Eris gave Persephone a few drachme to play some music while they waited. Having recovered somewhat from her surprise flight, and re-energized by the food and water, she took to dancing around the bar and singing off-key. She was halfway through a spirited rendition of “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” when the bell above the door clanged. The door opened to reveal–

“Hades!” Persephone squealed in delight and jumped down from the chair she’d been standing on. She ran to the door and leapt into his arms, wrapping both legs around his waist when he caught her effortlessly. Persephone was about to kiss him when she stopped. Something was off. She squirmed to be put down. “Nope.”

“What?” he asked, his eyebrows knitting together in concern. 

“You’re not Hades.” He certainly looked like Hades, but the glinting in his eyes, the way he smiled at her, was different. 

He laughed nervously. “It’s… it’s me, sweetness.”

She shook her head. “I don’t know how I know it, but _ you_, sir, are fake news.” She tapped the end of his nose with one finger. “Put me down, please.” He obliged, just as the bell over the door rang out again. Hades, or at least another Hades look-alike, walked into the bar.

“I may be drunk, but there is definitely two of you.” She sauntered over to the newcomer, looking him up and down, then grabbed the lapels of his coat and pulled him down to her eye level. His dark eyes sparkled with amusement and the corners of his mouth twitched upward in a playful half-smile. Persephone inhaled deeply. _ Like a forest fire in winter _, she thought dreamily. “And you’re the real one.”

Hades looked over at his doppleganger and held his hand out expectantly. Not-Hades grumbled, fished around in his wallet and pulled out a fifty-drachma bill, which he slapped into Hades' palm. Hades frowned. “I believe we agreed it was a hundred.”

“Fine.” Not-Hades rolled his eyes and forked over another fifty before removing his glamour. In his place stood a very annoyed-looking Zeus.

Hades smiled at Persephone and swept her up in his arms. “I knew you’d figure it out.” 

She kissed him on the nose. “You bet him I could tell the difference? And he actually thought I wouldn’t?”

“Well, when I forced him to tell me where those assholes had taken you, he assured me you were fine and that you’d probably be, quote, ‘too wasted to even notice anything,’ unquote. I couldn’t pass up that action.” They moved away from the door so that Poseidon, Eros, and Ares could file in. The rest of the party clamored towards the bar where Eris was eagerly pouring a round of shots.

She giggled. “Why’s your hair all wet? Also, I thought Thanatos was supposed to come with you guys?”

“Oh, yeah. We ditched him at the strip club,” Hades replied. 

(In fact, Thanatos had actually been kicked out of Meliae and subsequently banned for life, after he had launched himself off the second-floor balcony and swung around on one of the light fixtures yelling, “_Welcome to Con Air_!” At this very moment he was busy snorting a line of cocaine off of the coffee table in one of the strippers’ apartments.)

Hades continued, “As for the hair, Poseidon made us all dive off a cliff into the ocean where we almost got eaten by sharks. Why were you doing shots behind Tower One at one-thirty a.m.?”

Persephone took a deep breath before launching into an explanation of everything she’d done so far that night. “So we were all drinking at Hera’s house, and then Hermes showed up and he had this letter for me that he said was urgent. But don’t worry, I made him promise he wouldn’t mention the naked picture of you. But then I read the letter and it said we weren’t allowed to get married because they won’t process our marriage license!”

_ Naked what’s this now? _ “I’m sorry, you’re gonna have to slow down. What was the–”

She shushed him with one finger before continuing. “But then Hera said that it was bullshit so we went to Olympus headquarters and we had to break into the archives and then the security guy almost caught us but Trite made a giant wave of water that he slipped on so we got away, and it turns out in the archives there’s some sort of contract in place which is why they denied the marriage license but we couldn’t find out what it is because it was like super classified or something.” She took another deep breath before continuing. “So then we thought maybe it was the Eternal Maiden thing stopping me from getting married but we found out it wasn’t because we asked Hestia and woke her up and she got really mad and it was really funny.” Persephone laughed at the memory of Hestia in her bathrobe at twelve-thirty in the morning.

He set her down gently. “Why didn’t you call me?”

“I didn’t want to interrupt your bachelor party! And I wanted to be able to just handle this on my own,” Persephone admitted. “And also, I was super wasted so doing the most logical thing didn’t really occur to me.”

“But wait,” Hades continued, “that still doesn’t explain why you were at the office?”

“Oh yeah!” Persephone exclaimed as if she’d forgotten she was only halfway through telling her story. “So we thought maybe it was like a magic contract or a spell or something, so then we called–” She stopped abruptly, remembering she wasn’t supposed to tell that part. “–Someone. We called _ someone _ and she told us the oldest magic that could override whatever was currently in place was to eat the Fruit of the Underworld.”

“Wait, so…” His eyes widened as he put two and two together. “When you were at Tower One, and Trite sent us that video of you doing shots, you were... You were eating the Fruit from the tree back there? The pomegranate seeds?”

Persephone nodded, glowing with a mixture of pride and intoxication. “Whatever the contract was we couldn’t figure out how else to break it. This way _ nobody _ can stop me from being your wife. Not my mother, or your brothers, or anyone.” She wrapped both arms around him and stood on tiptoes to kiss him.

“You are… a force to be reckoned with.” It was true; even while drunk and babbling on about it, she still exuded the confidence of someone who would stop at nothing to achieve what she wanted. Hades ran his thumb along her lower lip before leaning down to kiss her. 

They were interrupted by the bell over the entrance clanging once again as the door flew open. Any conversation being held inside the bar was instantly drowned out by the excited shrieking of four (completely hammered) goddesses. Artemis, Aphrodite, Hera, and Amphitrite clamored inside, mobbing Persephone immediately.

“Flower Child!” Amphitrite was practically jumping up and down with excitement.

“YOU’RE ALIVE!” Artemis wrapped Persephone in a hug so forceful that her feet were lifted off the floor. 

Hera gave Persephone a quick hug and then marched off to find her daughter. “Eris! Eris, did your father put you up to this?”

Eris the bartender rolled her eyes. “Chill ma, have a drink.” She held out a glass of clear liquid, probably a gin and tonic.

Persephone turned back to her remaining bridesmaids. “How did you guys know where to find me?” she asked.

“Well, when that _ creep _ grabbed you and flew away with you,” Aphrodite explained, “we all called the guys and started freaking out that you were kidnapped–”

Amphitrite cut in. “But Poseidon texted me and said it was just some super old tradition thing and Zeus had hired Dionysius to kidnap you and you were gonna be at some bar somewhere.”

“And then Hades called Hera after he made Zeus tell him the location,” Artemis finished. “Have you just been here the whole time?”

“Pretty much.” Persephone giggled. “I was singing for, like, a really long time. And I danced on that table over there. Also, the food here is really good.”

“Then why are we still standing here?” snapped Aphrodite. She grabbed Persephone and Artemis by the wrists and dragged them over to the bar. Amphitrite followed after them.

The rest of the night was a blur. Persephone vaguely recalled challenging Ares to an arm wrestling match (which she did _ not _ win), climbing behind the bar to pour shots for everyone, and singing along to “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” with her bridesmaids. At one point she thought she saw _ herself _ across the room, talking to Poseidon and Amphitrite but it turned out to be a flower nymph who looked very much like her. When did she get here? An arrow whizzed past her ear, sticking firmly into the wall at the opposite end of the bar. Persephone had no idea where it had come from. 

By the time the bar was ready to close, almost everyone was slumped over in chairs or on the floor. Zeus had finally passed out and someone (probably Hera) had taken the opportunity to draw a massive dong on the side of his face with a black marker. Ares and Aphrodite were making out in the corner booth, while Artemis and Eros were sluggishly picking up the arrows that littered the floor after their impromptu archery competition. Persephone sat in Hades’ lap with her arms around him, burying her face in the crook of his neck, half-asleep.

Out of nowhere, an air horn trumpeted with a deafening blast, rousing everyone from their various dazes. “Rise and shine, assholes!” yelled Dionysius, before sounding the air horn again. “Get out! All of you! Don’t care where you’re going but you can’t stay here!”

“What. The _ actual_. _ Fuck_...” muttered Hera, lifting her face from where she’d rested it on one of the tables. A couple of discarded cocktail straws littered the tabletop; one was still stuck to her face and the other had left a red imprint in her cheek.

Slowly they all shuffled to their feet and towards the exit, exhausted and hungover. A few mumbled good-byes were said before everyone departed, pairing off and heading their separate ways just as the sun was about to rise over Olympus.

***

Persephone was dragged from her sleep by the sharp sound of a phone ringing. She groaned and tried to bury her head further into the pillow she was currently smothered against. She had a horrible splitting headache and under the blankets, her bare skin was coated in a thin sheen of sweat.

Hades grumbled and started groping around for his phone on the bedside table. It must have been one of his brothers calling, based on the exasperated sigh he gave as soon as he looked at the screen. He answered. “What?” he snapped. “It’s seven a.m. We just got to sleep an hour ago.” There was a pause. “You did? What did it say?” Another pause as Hades sat up in bed. “Okay, I’ll tell her.”

Persephone ran a hand through her tangled hair to find it was unevenly cut, shorter on one side than the other. She lifted her head off the pillow and saw Artemis’ hunting knife and a pile of flower petals, along with her white silk jumpsuit pooled on the floor. “Did I… cut my hair last night?” she rasped.

“Yeah, when we got home you were too out of it to find the scissors but you wouldn’t go to bed until it was short again,” Hades replied. “Not sure why you were carrying that knife with you, though.”

Persephone rolled over to face him, trying to ignore the fact that every inch of her body was sore and dehydrated. She felt like a raisin. “What was that about?”

“Zeus dug up this mysterious contract, but he wouldn’t tell me what it said. He said legally only the parties named in the contract could be privy to that information, or something.” He walked over to his closet and started rummaging around for something.

“Oh?” She sat up, then immediately regretted it as her head pounded even harder.

“He says check your email in a little bit, it should be there.” Hades pulled a gray sweatshirt over his head. “Also, why does my throat hurt?”

“I’m pretty sure you and your brothers sang ‘Piano Man’ like six times when we were doing karaoke.” Persephone giggled at the memory, but abruptly stopped laughing when a wave of nausea hit her. “I don’t feel so good,” she groaned. While Hades left to go feed the dogs, Persephone dragged herself out of bed and trudged towards the bathroom. She managed to make it just in time for her stomach to give a sickening lurch, and spent the next ten minutes kneeling in front of the toilet, throwing up. When her stomach had finally settled a little, Persephone stood up shakily and made her way over to the sink. She looked like death.

After a while she managed to run a comb through her tangled hair, rinse her mouth out, brush her teeth, and climb into the shower. The water stung a scrape on her elbow that she didn’t remember getting. Once she was finally clean and her hair washed, she dressed in her favorite Saturday morning laying-around-the-house clothes – black leggings, fuzzy socks, and her purple Olympus University hoodie. She dug around in one of the cabinets under the sink to find her scissors, then quickly trimmed her hair so it no longer resembled one of Cerberus’ chew toys.

“Feeling better?” Hades asked her when she stumbled into the living room. He was perusing the newspaper, his reading glasses sliding down his nose.

Persephone nodded and curled up on the couch beside him. She pulled out her tablet and checked her email. 

> **From: **zeus@olympuscorp.com
> 
> **To: **persephone@underworld.com
> 
> **CC: **archives@olympuscorp.com
> 
> **Subj:** Marriage contract
> 
> _ 1 attachment: Kore.pdf_

She double-clicked the attachment. An official-looking document filled her screen. The date caught her attention first. “That’s… my birthday,” she said.

“Like from four months ago?” Hades set the newspaper aside and peered over her shoulder to read whatever was on her tablet.

“No, like my _ actual _ birthday. From twenty-five years ago.” She scanned the complicated legal jargon, her hungover brain trying to make sense of it all.

> ** _“The following Agreement is entered into effect as of the above specified date and between Zeus, King of the Gods, and Demeter, Goddess of the Harvest, whereas:_ **
> 
> ** _This Agreement shall be bound by the following terms:_ **
> 
> _ That Kore, Goddess of Spring, daughter of Demeter, shall not be wed in any circumstances to any man, deity, or creature, mortal or immortal _
> 
> _ That Demeter, Goddess of the Harvest, shall not give consent to any such marriage _
> 
> _ That Zeus, King of the Gods, shall enforce the Terms of this Agreement to the fullest extent of the Rights and Responsibilities afforded to him as ruler of the realm of Olympus and all subjects residing therein _
> 
> ** _Term and Termination_ **
> 
> _ The Terms laid out in this Agreement shall remain in force for the duration of Kore’s immortal life. _
> 
> ** _Applicable Laws, Construction:_ **
> 
> _ This Agreement shall be governed by and constructed in accordance with the laws of Olympus. The parties irrevocably agree that the courts of Olympus shall have jurisdiction to resolve any dispute that may arise out of, under, or in connection with these Terms.” _

It was notarized and signed by both Zeus and Demeter.

“That fucking little–” Hades didn’t even finish his sentence, just whipped out his phone and dialed, putting the call on speaker.

Zeus picked up on the first ring. “Dude, last night was _ insane _! You know what? I don’t even care who won the bet. Best party in years.”

“Ares won the bet,” Hades told him. 

“_ WHAT_?!”

“But that’s not why we’re calling.” Hades’ eyes flashed red, a sure sign that he was _ royally _ pissed. “Persephone, why don’t you tell my brother about this insane little contract he authorized?”

Persephone did not hold back. “Let me get this straight,” she seethed. “You made some shady backroom deal with my mother to guarantee that I would never get married. And you never thought to tell me about this until today. Our wedding is _ ruined _ because of this, do you understand that?” She was trembling, not sure whether it was more from anger, or the hangover currently wreaking havoc on her body.

Zeus didn’t speak for a moment. Hades and Persephone thought maybe the call was about to drop, until he calmly said, “Read the fine print, honey.”

“Don’t call me honey.” Persephone glared at the phone, hoping her idiot brother-in-law could sense the full extent of her anger. She turned her attention back to the contract on her tablet and continued scrolling. There was an addendum on the following page, signed by Zeus and notarized the day _ after _ the original contract.

> _ “The above Agreement shall be considered null and void at such time as Kore chooses to enter into a marriage of her own volition. As such, the Terms outlined in the above Agreement shall be applied only to any marital union to which Kore has not freely given her full and explicit consent.” _

“Okay, but did you read it?” asked Zeus, after another short pause.

“I don’t understand.” Everything ached far too badly to allow for any sort of reading comprehension on Persephone’s part.

“_Loophoooole _!” he sang. When there was no response, Zeus continued, “Someone must have not processed your application correctly. First thing Monday morning, I’ll make sure your paperwork gets filed, and you should have your marriage license by close of business.”

Persephone was still hung up on the earlier detail. “You… you tricked my mother?”

“Yeah,” he answered nonchalantly. “I figured no child of Demeter was gonna take kindly to being ordered around so I made a loophole. I was looking out for you!”

“You realize she’s going to flip out at you though, right?” said Hades. “Frankly I’m shocked she hasn’t brought this up already. When Persephone told her we were getting married, she looked about ready to skin me alive.”

“I _ may _ have told her that the contract was nullified when you were set on joining TGOEM. Something about rules and bylaws overriding our agreement, or some such other?” Zeus replied. “But don’t worry. I’ll handle Demeter, I promise. Consider it a thank-you present for you two putting up with my drunken bullshit.”

Hades and Persephone shared a look. Persephone nodded slightly. “Apology accepted,” said Hades, and ended the call.

“I’m so glad that’s cleared up.” Persephone tucked away her tablet and sighed with relief. Hades, however, didn’t seem to share her sentiment. He was pretending to read the newspaper, but was actually twisting the corner of it around and around in this fingers and staring blankly ahead. “Are you okay?” she asked him.

He kept staring at the paper, not looking at her. “This means whoever processed that form saw your name, saw _ my _ name, and assumed I must be forcing you to marry me against your will.” There was an edge of sadness to his voice.

Persephone hadn’t heard him use that tone in a long time. After six years together, building each other up, helping each other heal and grow, it still broke her heart to think of the pain and rejection he’d been subject to his whole life.

She moved closer to him on the couch and gently set the newspaper down. “Or,” she offered, “they’re a lazy bureaucrat who can’t do their job.”

Hades looked at her with concern. Even when something was bothering him, he was always thinking about her, hoping and praying that whatever bullshit he was going through wouldn’t affect her happiness. It made her want to cry and kiss him at the same time. “These types of assumptions are probably never going to go away,” he said quietly. “Doesn’t it bother you?”

Persephone shrugged. “Why would it bother me what some random file clerk thinks about my marriage?” She smoothed his silver-white hair back from his face and gazed lovingly at her fiancé. Persephone knew he had come so far in disentangling himself from his toxic past. But if he still needed reassurance every day for the rest of eternity, she would gladly give it. “I love you. Any anyone whose opinion matters to me already knows that.”

“But the Underworld–”

She shushed him in the way that she always did when he was overthinking something, pressing a delicate pink finger to his lips, then moved around on the couch until she was straddling him. She murmured, “The Underworld is my _ home _ , because my home is with you. I find the darkness… _ captivating _ .” She punctuated her statement with a kiss on his cheek. “I find you… _ exhilarating_.” She kissed his other cheek, then let her mouth brush against his jawline until both their lips were nearly touching. “And now that I’ve eaten the Fruit of your realm, no one–” She kissed him on the lips, gently. “–can ever make me leave. I’m yours, Your Majesty. A piece of my soul is bound to you, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.” She pulled away and grinned mischievously at him.

To her delight, he returned her sly smile and his eyes were glowing scarlet again, only this time definitely not out of anger. “Well, when you put it like that.” He leaned forward and captured her in a deep kiss. Sighs escaped lips, fingers tangled through hair, and all seemed right with the world until–

“Mmhmm, no.” Persephone grimaced and pulled away abruptly as another wave of nausea hit her. She shook her head and scrambled off the couch. “I’m gonna… need a minute,” she groaned and skulked off to the bathroom. Maybe it wasn’t _ that _ bad their moment was interrupted, she thought. After all, there would be more opportunities for couch make-outs and lazy Saturday morning sex. A whole eternity’s worth. 


	2. Bonus Features

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please enjoy this mini playlist tailored to “Bridesmaids” and “The Hangover,” plus a beautiful piece of artwork courtesy of @aprilheather on Discord.

#### The Girls

“[Truth Hurts](https://open.spotify.com/track/5qmq61DAAOUaW8AUo8xKhh),” Lizzo

“[Bad Reputation](https://open.spotify.com/track/7pu8AhGUxHZSCWTkQ2eb5M),” Joan Jett & the Blackhearts

“[Something Bad](https://open.spotify.com/track/6s9m5J92By7jii22Q2XtY2),” Carrie Underwood & Miranda Lambert

#### The Guys

“[Don’t Threaten Me With A Good Time](https://open.spotify.com/track/2fh3bZ8jZhMxOcfESE9nQY),” Panic! at the Disco

“[Rag Doll](https://open.spotify.com/track/0kKH5X50xO6ArDxAjW7Py1),” Aerosmith

“[Gold On The Ceiling](https://open.spotify.com/track/5lN1EH25gdiqT1SFALMAq1),” the Black Keys

#### The Reunion

“[I Wanna Dance With Somebody](https://open.spotify.com/track/2tUBqZG2AbRi7Q0BIrVrEj),” Whitney Houston

“[Girls Just Wanna Have Fun](https://open.spotify.com/track/0xs0ewnEb6c2DlY7LjOD7t),” Cyndi Lauper

“[The Piano Man](https://open.spotify.com/track/3FCto7hnn1shUyZL42YgfO),” Billy Joel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Thanks for reading!_

**Author's Note:**

> #### Post-credits scene:
> 
> “Kore?” Hades knocked softly on the closed bathroom door. “Can I ask you something?” 
> 
> “Of course, my love.” Persephone tried to sound sweet and sexy and not like she was curled up on the floor next to the toilet, vomiting.
> 
> There was a pause on the other side of the door, before Hades finally asked, “Do you know why Zeus just texted me a _disturbingly_ accurate naked portrait of myself?”
> 
> Persephone’s went wide. _Fucking fates._ This was going to be fun to explain...


End file.
